How do you write about the death of a marriage? This is something I’ve been contemplating for months now.
When I first started my journal, I wrote about everything including my marriage and the things that happened in it. That backfired on me when a large local paper did a story on me and the quote it pulled from the journal was one in which I said that S. wasn’t a good husband. He was devastated and angry and I felt so guilty that they would take an offhand comment (that I wrote) and present it in a way that was not true. So, from that point forward, I never really talked about our relationship in the journal.
And I didn’t talk about my marriage to my friends or family either. What was I supposed to say?
But I’d been unhappy for a long time.
I started really hashing out leaving in my head a few years ago. I wanted to wait until E. got a little bit older. I really, really planned on that. I wanted to finish up SOME type of degree before I left. That seems calculating and cold I’m sure but there it is. It’s hard (financially) being a single parent with no formal education and working at a job that’s not going to be much more lucrative than it already is.
Obviously though, I didn’t wait until E. was a little bit older.
A lot of it had to do with the fact that I felt I had three kids at home and no partner and also the money issues and how he chose to handle them (or not) handle them and just generally growing apart. I spent so much time by myself and at the end, that’s what I wanted. Moving out and living alone really wasn’t that big of an adjustment on that front.
By the time I told him, there was just no desire on my part to fix things or try to work them out. I’d been telling him for months and months that I was not happy and nothing changed. He kept doing the same things and I continued to want to get the hell out.
I told him I was leaving after getting in a big argument on Christmas Eve. Sitting through dinner at his mother’s about an hour after that declaration was probably the most difficult and stomach-churning thing I’ve had to do. Bad, bad timing on my part, I know.
A lot of things have happened since then. I can’t believe it’s already March.
I ended up moving every single thing I owned (by myself) in numerous trips to a little place in the town I work in. Except my furniture, a friend from work and her husband helped me move that but otherwise, nobody (including my son) lifted a finger to help me.
That sounds angry and I didn’t think I was but maybe I am. I didn’t really expect my son to treat me the way he has since this all started. I didn’t expect S. to, you know, wish me good luck in leaving him and help me pack and shit but M.? I expected a little bit more support from him.
E. is adjusting. M. is not. S. and I are getting along okay now that all the chestbeating and questions and whatif’s are over with.
He said it was just such a shock that I was that unhappy which irritates the shit out of me because HELLO!? If someone is telling you they are unhappy and things need to change, how much of a shock IS IT REALLY? I told him that it’s only a shock because he thought he’d have more time to “change”.
The separation papers have been drawn up and signed. M. still lives with S. That’s what they both wanted. We have joint custody of E. which is sort of a non-issue at this point because S. has been out of town every week except one since Christmas. He gets her on the weekends.
I started seeing someone a few weeks ago. He is fucking incredible.
S. is fine with it and him, E. is fine with it and him, the dogs and cat are fine. M. of course, is not fine with anyfuckingthing.
I knew he wasn’t going to take it as easy (as E.) but I thought once S. adjusted and was okay with the whole leaving thing, he would be too but oh no. He wants to know when HE gets to be happy and if HE isn’t happy, then nobody else should be. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled and self-centered. Teenagers suck.
S. says that he will eventually get over it…that I may have been done with our relationship for a long time but nobody else had any idea and it takes a little time for people to adjust.
My mother-in-law is still very upset about my leaving. This is shocking to me because to be quite honest, I didn’t think she liked me very well. Her and my father-in-law are actually the only people I didn’t want to tell because I hated that they were going to be disappointed. Even though they did a lot of things and said a lot of things that upset me or I didn’t agree with, the fact remains that they have always been there and done more for me than my own parents have and I am so grateful for it all.
I saw her yesterday when I had to drop E. off and when I left, I hugged her and told her that I missed her and loved her and she told me that she missed me and loved me too and that she didn’t want to say anything else or she’d start bawling. And then she did any way. And I truly hate that she’s so sad about it.
In the meantime.
M. got his drivers license and has blown up the engines in not one but TWO vehicles in the past month and a half that he’s been driving. He drives like he thinks he’s Dale Earnhardt or something (or at least has his money). S. is the one footing the bill for those because if it had to be me paying? M. would be a walking fool. I pay for his monthly school tuition.
Speaking of which. He’s been out of public school since this past November. He just stopped going. And then decided that he would like to try a private school. I didn’t want to do that, mostly because of the money, but I felt I had to at least try. He only has to attend one day a week (which is sometimes just TOO MUCH for the princess and he can’t seem to make it in) and he does the work on his own time and takes the tests at the school. I don’t know if he’ll stick to it or not.
He’s just going down the wrong road in so many ways and I’ve done all I can to keep him from going in that direction but it is what it is. It’s not that he’s doing drugs or drinking ( I don’t know if he is but it’s a possibility) but who he’s hanging out with and what he’s doing and just his general attitude. I can’t make his decisions for him at this age and he’s not interested in hearing it regardless.
It makes me incredibly sad because he has so much potential and could do so much but instead he wants nothing to do with that. The way he is living is not how I wanted it for him. Not that kids do what you WANT them to but I just didn’t want him to do everything the hard way.
And that’s it in a nutshell.