Now

Well, things WERE going very, very well.

Unfortunately, I was involved in a car accident on October 5th, Friday evening. I am still so upset, still hurt, not recovering as fast as I’d like, and so motherfucking frustrated I don’t really even know which way to go.

I’ve been blessed by amazing friends that have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me and I am eternally grateful. but inside my head? Is a flat out mess.

I have to keep a positive face for the public but I want to cry. It’s NOT the end of the world but try telling my Bipolar Brain that.

Me, Jackie, and Erica were going to get something to eat after BodyFlow on that evening and were in fact, about 200 feet from our destination.

A girl driving towards us made an abrupt turn into our path, trying to turn at an intersection, and wham.

We were going about 40mph, she didn’t signal, she didn’t slow down (Jackie swears she heard her accelerate to try to get across in time), there were NO tire marks that indicated she was aware of anything.

I believe she was texting. We’ll find out when it gets there. I had to hire an attorney. Not happy about that. I hate this kind of stuff. But I can’t workout. And I’ve lost wages, had to go to the freaking emergency room in an ambulance.

My Dr. thinks I have a stress fracture on a rib or two, not sure. They don’t show up right away. I do know that the seat belt got up UNDER my rib cage and that I couldn’t even OPEN A DOOR because it hurt so badly the first 5 days.

I was getting better but unfortunately, the swelling in the cartilage got so bad that my ribs popped back out of place late on last Friday night, October 12. I couldn’t get into to see anyone and by the time I did on Saturday, it had irritated my ribs so bad that they are STILL not in place.

I’ve taped myself up and been using a Tens unit and ice to try to get the swelling down but it’s just not happening yet.

Thank God, Erica was wearing her seat belt too otherwise she would have come forward and been hurt far worse AND hurt me worse too. We were all wearing seat belts.

Probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my LIFE.

I just, I don’t even like to think about it which is why I haven’t written. I’m a bit of a mess right now.

So Nay came in and assessed my teaching last night for bodyflow. It was mostly good and better than what I received last year.

Stated that I was the strongest instructor for BF that our gym has. That’s happy to hear.

My cat has been taught (bribed) with treats to “Sit”. My family is suitably impressed.

My social life is better than it’s ever been. I have stuff planned short term and longer term.

The only burr is the job and dental stuff. The job has more good things than bad right now. That’s good.

The dental stuff: i found a dentist that will do a payment plan (like payments to get something done, harder to find than you’d think) and also give me a 10% discount. Now, I need to get past my fear and make an APPOINTMENT.

I’m mostly pretty good though. How about that?

Started doing this: http://bragg.com/healthinfo/acvdaily.html

From their site:

It’s so easy to incorporate vinegar into your daily diet. When you wake up in the morning just make a delicious cocktail using 2 teaspoons of raw, organic apple cider vinegar, and if you need a sweetener, use organic honey, 100% maple syrup, or molasses to taste. If you are diabetic, use the sweet substitute stevia. I recommend you use only distilled water. This “Bragg Healthy Cocktail” is designed to flush out wastes that are clogging the organs of elimination, the bowels, lungs, skin, and the kidneys.

Take it at least twice a day, and you will start to see changes like increased energy, soft skin, and decreased muscle and joint aches from exercise. Make sure you use raw, organic vinegar, never dead, distilled vinegar because the natural enzymes, minerals, and nutrients are destroyed in the distilling process.

In other liquid news:

I don’t like sweet wines. I prefer the reds. So strange. I LOVE a good Malbec or Shiraz or Cab Sauv.

So trying all sorts of alternative stuff to see if it helps with the fibromyalgia and overall health stuff. I need to add a daily vitamin and a b complex vitamin back in with the glucosamine/msm/chrondroiton stuff. What else? Oh yeah ordered some Aloe Vera juice and also Turmeric on the advice of my M.D. Supposed to help settle down inflammation in the body. Hopefully, it will get here soon.

And? I have a new cat. He’s pretty awesome. We call him Mr. President.

My apartment is wonderful. But I do miss Chris. I am not going to lie. He did make my life a little easier such as cooking and cleaning. Sigh. I sort of miss having someone to discuss the current episode of whatever Netflix I’m watching.

But I keep reminding myself of the million reasons why this needed to happen.

I’m NOT discounting the hanging out in the future. Or you know. Sex. It’s a necessary component of life!

And this is where I’m so conflicted.

Do I think there is a person in this world that is the PERFECT match? Not really. So how many matches in how many areas make it unfeasible? Did I end something that was going to be the best thing for me at this point in my life? Everyone has fucking baggage. A lot.

I knew that it would be about a month to two when I started missing him. So, right on target. At least it’s not a surprise anymore. It’s a pattern in my life. This is good and bad.

Whatever. We move forward and keep moving.

So my blood pressure has been getting dangerously high.

I’m a little irritated….nope, change that to a LOT irritated about the whole thing. It’s not in my family history, I work out every day, cardio and weights, eat a pretty decent diet, and my blood pressure STILL sucks.

Not thrilled with my body at this point. It’s failing me! Whatever.

I see a chiropractor within the gym on a semi-regular basis but it’s been steadily creeping up over the past few years. I used to have readings of 120/72.

A week or so ago? A normal evening reading would be 196/98.

Oh, well hello imminent stroke!

After getting that kind of read out and the chiro telling me that I needed to do something, I sort of torqued off a bit. I was so upset that I just locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 10 minutes. I left, trying not to run into anyone, and was going to just walk back to the apartment. It’s only 20 minutes and I enjoy it if the weather is nice.

Went over to Tribeca Tavern, thinking maybe eating out would cheer me up.

No, not really. I sat in a tiny booth in the bar and kept my eyes up to the tv monitor watching the music videos play through and trying not to sit there and cry. Poor waitress. Offered to get me a shot or something to make me feel better.

Ate, left, walked home. Sat in dark and cried off and on for about an hour and half.

Stupid emotional outbursts.

Refused to speak to the people who shared my apartment for several days. Just so irritated at Chris and irritated at having to deal with the tension between him and his daughter. Whatever. It’s not my problem and yet I’m having to feel the emotional stress. I hate that.

Finally, made an appointment with the doctor that can give me drugs.

She started me out on a baby dose of whatever it is, 5 mg and it seems to be working.

12/5/11 at 5:20 PM it was 156/92 with a pulse of 65

12/6/11 at 5:15 PM it was 163/88 with pulse of 64

12/8/11 around 5:20 PM it was 131/75 with pulse of 62

12/12 around 5:20 PM it was 144/87 with a pulse of ???

I can feel the pressure in my head is getting better. My forehead doesn’t feel like it’s going to separate from my head and skull as badly. It still gets higher in the evening after I go home from the gym but getting better.

So, my front tooth, that has a crown on it, snapped the fuck OFF night before last. Like, snap! And my TOOTH!!!!! flew across the kitchen.

FUCK ME.

Seriously? Can I feel any more hideous or horrible?

I rushed out to Wal-Mart, abandoning the dinner I was cooking, Chris was like, what the hell??? I didn’t tell him at that point though because HELLO! Mortified, and picked up some superglue.

And yes. Superglued my stupid tooth back on.

I didn’t eat dinner, I had made BBQ chicken and mac and cheese, but I was afraid to chew anything. Dinner was put away and I had a yogurt to eat.

The tooth held until I went to the dentist but that’s only because I didn’t chew ANYTHING. And of course, I knew that they weren’t going to be able to just re-cement the tooth back. The little bit of tooth that it was attached to had snapped off.

Yes, thank you. May I have another.

I didn’t get the financing, my credit is just shot to shit again due to all the job losses and lack of cash.

Hello $1440 estimate. I was devastated. I can’t pay that. You might as well tell me that I have to go grab some lunar soil to pack in there.

They used the dental glue to place the crown in and I left. It’s a very, very temporary fix.

I have found that if I have to try to explain what’s been going on lately, especially if it’s not great, I will avoid the hell out of writing it down. So yeah, the last week or two have been pretty volatile with few bright spots.

One bright spot being: John coming to Raleigh! Finally, finally got to meet someone who I’ve known, online, since right at the start of my journaling. I think he sent me my first ever mix CD of 80′s songs. I still have it. He plied me with sushi and I told him everything…errrrr kidding!

We did have good food and he got to ask questions about stuff I won’t talk about here and even better, I got to hear a lot about his life that are important and make up the person he is today. I love that!  SO glad that he was able to come down and visit. Hopefully, I will get to visit him and his wife if I find my way down to Texas.

…………..

So things have been crazy good and crazy strange the last few weeks. My job is stable, albeit, not enough to pay bills but I guess that paying SOME bills is better than paying NO bills. *sigh*

My roommate needs to get his ass in gear and find some work though. I don’t mind helping people out during tough times, God knows, I have needed the help myself but I am just ready to have some money to spend on those frivolous things like, oh, i don’t know, MEDICINE.

Which is another reason i don’t want to update. I’ve been out of my fibromyalgia medications for about 2 months now. I’m out of refills and I have to find another doctor and no, I do not have insurance. I have to pay cash. Which sucks. I don’t have $110 to go to the MD and then another $80 to get the meds that hopefully, will be prescribed. Whatever.

this led to a little mishap a few weeks ago…..I’d like to say I’ve learned a valuable lesson but wow.

I get to full on panic mode if I can’t sleep. And since I have none of my meds, sleep is getting harder and harder to come by and have it be restful and helfpul.

I’ve had to start taking over the counter sleeping pills; both herbal supplements and OTC diexahypawhatever it is. Unfortunately, my body does not use medication like most normal people. I don’t know what it is or why but Mikey and Erica are the same. I have to take a HUGE amount to make a difference, where like with sleeping pills, people can take one and get put to nice, blissful sleep.

Me? I have to take 4 over the counter pills along with 4 herbal supplement pills. It then takes about 3-4 hours to kick in where I can lay down and go to sleep.

The bad part, well yes, other than taking 8 or MORE fucking sleeping pills, is that if I let myself get into a state of panic at the thought of poor sleep and what happens to me after that, I will take more, trying to get to sleep.

Which yeah, means that I took way too many pills one night. It was 5 in the morning and i had had a bad, bad night of it. Still awake and upset. I woke up about 4 hours later and I thought I was going to just die. Or wish that I could.

Overdosing on OTC sleeping pills is a dumbass mistake. One that I will have to be careful of happening again. The most fucked up part is that when I have the medications I need, this would never even be a problem. Fucking medical care costs. It’s taking the non-prescribed crap that I get into trouble with.

Anyway. I guess I looked pretty bad as Chris and Alix were hovering around me trying to get me to eat and drink. It took about a week or more to feel “normal” again. Chris tends to get a bit anxious anytime I’m near the sleeping pills and counting out what I will need. I’ve gotten stricter about it and now, I just  have to understand that some days will be bad. Some days will be very bad. Some days i’ll get the sleep I need. I don’t know why the lack of sleeping throws me into such a panic but during one point, awhile ago, not being able to sleep was a huge issue and I think that’s why it still is now. I never want to feel like that again, where I can’t sleep for days and days and cry when getting into bed,  knowing, I won’t be sleeping no matter what.

In the meantime, …. well. Holding my breath until I get to the doctor. That’s about it.

This is why I didn’t want to update. Please. No lectures. Melatonin does not work. NOTHING works except a combination of what I already take. I have tried everything.