Now

My piece of crap ex-husband Nathan has always been an Asshat. And that hasn’t changed all these years later. In retrospect, he’s even more of a fucking asshat than previously believed.

He has been bitter ever since Alix moved back out here and has just been WAITING for a chance to pull her back. And the pregnancy announcement was his ticket. I told her to keep it from him as long as possible because the jerk would start his manipulative tactics once more and sadly, I was right.

He texted her:

Until you apologize for what you did to me (lying to police about me) I really don’t care to speak to you either Alix…but this is now bigger than you and me. Don’t let your pride DOOM this child to a life of struggle. Come home. I will give you a full time job working for my company. I will help you get a good vehicle, help you get through school, get you on health insurance, get you an apartment (can share it with Jenna), get your credit established, etc and help this child grow up without having to do without like EVERYONE on your mother’s side of the family does because they make piss poor decisions like you are doing right now..and all out of foolish pride. You have options, you have choices. Now is time to decide if you will love this child enough to make it more important than your pride. We are starting construction on a 7200′ log home in E*** Hills up from Jessica (ask Jenna) come spring. You and Jenna could stay in the house on star***. You can work for me as much….on and on.

This is the same man that cheated on me through my entire pregnancy and marriage. This is the same man who is OPENLY living a polygamous lifestyle. The same man that used bait tactics the entire time to keep Alix with him.

If she fucking chooses him over me again?

I don’t know that I will continue to allow her into my life. I guess that’s my foolish pride making piss poor decisions; per the norm.

I try very, very hard to have the attitude of “live and let live” and that doesn’t get shaken very often. Until that guy comes back into the picture.

If there is one thing I wish I had learned young it is this:

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH.

Raleigh sold out tickets to this event; so happy I got mine back in August. First 5k run. I did better than I thought I would just due to the rib injury from the car accident.

Wasn’t able to run the whole thing but most of it. So, good stuff! Doing it again next year.

It took me about 40 minutes in the shower to get all the color off and I still have some blue on my scalp. SOOOO MUCH fun though!

So North Carolina Dept. of Revenue is telling me that I owe them almost $1700 for unpaid taxes for the year 2006.

I have no idea how this happened and I didn’t receive ANY notices from the state about this.

This makes me want to weep.  Did you know that it’s up to YOU to notify the state of an address change? They HAD my new address because I paid taxes to them LAST year? And yet they are saying they sent 10 notices? How can I get the one for last year but nothing from that time?

This is one of the most frustrating situations I’ve been faced with. Honestly. I don’t even know where to begin. Waiting on copies of my W2 and all that from 2006.

2006 was a shitty, shitty, shitty fucking year. I have purposely blocked most of it’s existence from memory and don’t remember very much.

I need to stock up on Ramen before the 31rst. They put a hold on my bank account last week and it was NEGATIVE $7,000.

I don’t even OWE THEM THAT MUCH. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL???????

argh. breathe. One breath in, one breath out. Multiple times.

Started doing this: http://bragg.com/healthinfo/acvdaily.html

From their site:

It’s so easy to incorporate vinegar into your daily diet. When you wake up in the morning just make a delicious cocktail using 2 teaspoons of raw, organic apple cider vinegar, and if you need a sweetener, use organic honey, 100% maple syrup, or molasses to taste. If you are diabetic, use the sweet substitute stevia. I recommend you use only distilled water. This “Bragg Healthy Cocktail” is designed to flush out wastes that are clogging the organs of elimination, the bowels, lungs, skin, and the kidneys.

Take it at least twice a day, and you will start to see changes like increased energy, soft skin, and decreased muscle and joint aches from exercise. Make sure you use raw, organic vinegar, never dead, distilled vinegar because the natural enzymes, minerals, and nutrients are destroyed in the distilling process.

In other liquid news:

I don’t like sweet wines. I prefer the reds. So strange. I LOVE a good Malbec or Shiraz or Cab Sauv.

So trying all sorts of alternative stuff to see if it helps with the fibromyalgia and overall health stuff. I need to add a daily vitamin and a b complex vitamin back in with the glucosamine/msm/chrondroiton stuff. What else? Oh yeah ordered some Aloe Vera juice and also Turmeric on the advice of my M.D. Supposed to help settle down inflammation in the body. Hopefully, it will get here soon.

And? I have a new cat. He’s pretty awesome. We call him Mr. President.

My apartment is wonderful. But I do miss Chris. I am not going to lie. He did make my life a little easier such as cooking and cleaning. Sigh. I sort of miss having someone to discuss the current episode of whatever Netflix I’m watching.

But I keep reminding myself of the million reasons why this needed to happen.

I’m NOT discounting the hanging out in the future. Or you know. Sex. It’s a necessary component of life!

And this is where I’m so conflicted.

Do I think there is a person in this world that is the PERFECT match? Not really. So how many matches in how many areas make it unfeasible? Did I end something that was going to be the best thing for me at this point in my life? Everyone has fucking baggage. A lot.

I knew that it would be about a month to two when I started missing him. So, right on target. At least it’s not a surprise anymore. It’s a pattern in my life. This is good and bad.

Whatever. We move forward and keep moving.

How do you write about the death of a marriage? This is something I’ve been contemplating for months now.

When I first started my journal, I wrote about everything including my marriage and the things that happened in it. That backfired on me when a large local paper did a story on me and the quote it pulled from the journal was one in which I said that S. wasn’t a good husband. He was devastated and angry and I felt so guilty that they would take an offhand comment (that I wrote) and present it in a way that was not true. So, from that point forward, I never really talked about our relationship in the journal.

And I didn’t talk about my marriage to my friends or family either. What was I supposed to say?

But I’d been unhappy for a long time.

I started really hashing out leaving in my head a few years ago. I wanted to wait until E. got a little bit older. I really, really planned on that. I wanted to finish up SOME type of degree before I left. That seems calculating and cold I’m sure but there it is. It’s hard (financially) being a single parent with no formal education and working at a job that’s not going to be much more lucrative than it already is.

Obviously though, I didn’t wait until E. was a little bit older.

A lot of it had to do with the fact that I felt I had three kids at home and no partner and also the money issues and how he chose to handle them (or not) handle them and just generally growing apart. I spent so much time by myself and at the end, that’s what I wanted. Moving out and living alone really wasn’t that big of an adjustment on that front.

By the time I told him, there was just no desire on my part to fix things or try to work them out. I’d been telling him for months and months that I was not happy and nothing changed. He kept doing the same things and I continued to want to get the hell out.

I told him I was leaving after getting in a big argument on Christmas Eve. Sitting through dinner at his mother’s about an hour after that declaration was probably the most difficult and stomach-churning thing I’ve had to do. Bad, bad timing on my part, I know.

**

So.

A lot of things have happened since then. I can’t believe it’s already March.

I ended up moving every single thing I owned (by myself) in numerous trips to a little place in the town I work in. Except my furniture, a friend from work and her husband helped me move that but otherwise, nobody (including my son) lifted a finger to help me.

That sounds angry and I didn’t think I was but maybe I am. I didn’t really expect my son to treat me the way he has since this all started. I didn’t expect S. to, you know, wish me good luck in leaving him and help me pack and shit but M.? I expected a little bit more support from him.

E. is adjusting. M. is not. S. and I are getting along okay now that all the chestbeating and questions and whatif’s are over with.

He said it was just such a shock that I was that unhappy which irritates the shit out of me because HELLO!? If someone is telling you they are unhappy and things need to change, how much of a shock IS IT REALLY? I told him that it’s only a shock because he thought he’d have more time to “change”.

The separation papers have been drawn up and signed. M. still lives with S. That’s what they both wanted. We have joint custody of E. which is sort of a non-issue at this point because S. has been out of town every week except one since Christmas. He gets her on the weekends.

***

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago. He is fucking incredible.

S. is fine with it and him, E. is fine with it and him, the dogs and cat are fine. M. of course, is not fine with anyfuckingthing.

I knew he wasn’t going to take it as easy (as E.) but I thought once S. adjusted and was okay with the whole leaving thing, he would be too but oh no. He wants to know when HE gets to be happy and if HE isn’t happy, then nobody else should be. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled and self-centered. Teenagers suck.

S. says that he will eventually get over it…that I may have been done with our relationship for a long time but nobody else had any idea and it takes a little time for people to adjust.

****

My mother-in-law is still very upset about my leaving. This is shocking to me because to be quite honest, I didn’t think she liked me very well. Her and my father-in-law are actually the only people I didn’t want to tell because I hated that they were going to be disappointed. Even though they did a lot of things and said a lot of things that upset me or I didn’t agree with, the fact remains that they have always been there and done more for me than my own parents have and I am so grateful for it all.

I saw her yesterday when I had to drop E. off and when I left, I hugged her and told her that I missed her and loved her and she told me that she missed me and loved me too and that she didn’t want to say anything else or she’d start bawling. And then she did any way. And I truly hate that she’s so sad about it.

*****

In the meantime.

M. got his drivers license and has blown up the engines in not one but TWO vehicles in the past month and a half that he’s been driving. He drives like he thinks he’s Dale Earnhardt or something (or at least has his money). S. is the one footing the bill for those because if it had to be me paying? M. would be a walking fool. I pay for his monthly school tuition.

Speaking of which. He’s been out of public school since this past November. He just stopped going. And then decided that he would like to try a private school. I didn’t want to do that, mostly because of the money, but I felt I had to at least try. He only has to attend one day a week (which is sometimes just TOO MUCH for the princess and he can’t seem to make it in) and he does the work on his own time and takes the tests at the school. I don’t know if he’ll stick to it or not.

He’s just going down the wrong road in so many ways and I’ve done all I can to keep him from going in that direction but it is what it is. It’s not that he’s doing drugs or drinking ( I don’t know if he is but it’s a possibility) but who he’s hanging out with and what he’s doing and just his general attitude. I can’t make his decisions for him at this age and he’s not interested in hearing it regardless.

It makes me incredibly sad because he has so much potential and could do so much but instead he wants nothing to do with that. The way he is living is not how I wanted it for him. Not that kids do what you WANT them to but I just didn’t want him to do everything the hard way.

******

And that’s it in a nutshell.

Relationships, good relationships, are about compromise..

We have conflicting schedules. And it’s not been smooth sailing in the compromises regarding those schedules.

He works a second shift job, I work first shift.

He’s always stayed awake until past midnight and gotten up 8 or so hours later and I’ve had to be on a first shift schedule for about 10 years now.

I used to go to bed around 10 pm, get up at 6:30 AM but since getting together with Michael, I’ve been going to sleep around (on most nights, there are a few rare evenings when we’re both in bed by 10:30pm) 11:00-11:30pm and still waking up anywhere between 6AM and 6:45AM.

Michael changed his schedule by going to bed at the same time and usually wakes up with me so we can spend at least a LITTLE bit of time together before I go to work.

He began just getting up when I got up and seemed to want to do that and that made me very happy.

I don’t think he really wants to do that any more though. There have been a few mornings where he’s been a bit snappy when I wake him up and it’s a bit tense. I’m not a great morning person either and when he snaps, I snap back. Not conducive to a nice morning.

We had one of those last night before bed and ended up going to sleep mad at each other.

Which makes me sadder then I care to say because we talked about never going to bed mad at each other months before and it’s happened a few times already.

It was 11pm and I thought we were going to bed at that time….he was in watching television for a few minutes and when I asked him if he was coming to bed, I think he replied that he was watching that show for a few minutes (I can’t remember exactly since I’d taken my nighttime meds a while before) and I probably made a comment about him being so tired just a little bit before and saying that he needed to go to sleep and that he wouldn’t want to get up in the morning…..

He made a snappy comment about not being able to watch 26 seconds of a television show and I snapped back. He said something about me staying up until midnight and then getting up the same time ….. but I thought that he was okay with what we had going. I mean, if the only time I had to see him was to stay up later, I would.

Needless to say, I got up by myself this morning. And sat and drank my coffee alone and came on to work.

I did leave him a note telling him that I loved him and that I was sorry.

I’m not trying to make him out to be the bad guy in this because I share just as much responsibility for the situation because I get pretty upset when I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like and I can act like a petulant child when I don’t get my way.

It’s just so important to me….I don’t want to spend all my time alone. I’ve done that already for a long time and it sucks.

And I guess the only compromise that’s going to satisfy both of us is to go back to our regular schedules and just be able to spend time together on the weekends. And that just sucks too.

***

From what I just got told, I was really ugly to him and it’s his favorite show that he hasn’t seen in 7 months and I shouldn’t have been so ugly about it…he was just watching the last few minutes and he wouldn’t have interrupted a show I was watching.

I guess I’m supposed to know all that.

I can’t seem to win for losing most of the time.

****

Why does every argument or disagreement seem like the end in a new relationship?

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photos by renee.
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