Now

Today some dude walked into an elementary school and killed a bunch of kids today.

And people are saying that it’s senseless and calling for gun control and on and on.

Tragedy never makes sense; small children dying never makes sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Murderers are getting younger and younger.

Violence.

Welcome to America. Here’s your bullet proof vest and your gun.

My prayers seem like they go unheard and you know so many families are in pain and agony over this loss.

I am not shocked anymore; not after 9/11.

It’s horrible and it’s sad but it’s almost every day you hear about this shit.

Movie theaters.

Malls.

Schools.

It is heartbreaking but if your heart is already broken……

It just keeps on happening.

Alix had a miscarriage last week.

I don’t have a whole lot of good things to say today.

I am pissed off at Erica for lying about stupid shit that she was clearly busted for

I am pissed off at Alix for the whole pregnant and now, having problems with that and I can’t do anything dragging the black presence of my ex back into my life

and

I am pissed off at Mikey for being such as asshat toward Erica and her post about being mad at a friend on facebook. Telling her to be mature. Because, hasn’t Mikey ALWAYS BEEN SO MATURE?

Mother. Fucker.

This is also why I am glad I live the fuck alone.

I have my class to look forward to tonight and supposed to get tree. It’s the first year that I have felt like being “in the spirit” and doing anything and damn.

I swear because FUCK YOU.

My piece of crap ex-husband Nathan has always been an Asshat. And that hasn’t changed all these years later. In retrospect, he’s even more of a fucking asshat than previously believed.

He has been bitter ever since Alix moved back out here and has just been WAITING for a chance to pull her back. And the pregnancy announcement was his ticket. I told her to keep it from him as long as possible because the jerk would start his manipulative tactics once more and sadly, I was right.

He texted her:

Until you apologize for what you did to me (lying to police about me) I really don’t care to speak to you either Alix…but this is now bigger than you and me. Don’t let your pride DOOM this child to a life of struggle. Come home. I will give you a full time job working for my company. I will help you get a good vehicle, help you get through school, get you on health insurance, get you an apartment (can share it with Jenna), get your credit established, etc and help this child grow up without having to do without like EVERYONE on your mother’s side of the family does because they make piss poor decisions like you are doing right now..and all out of foolish pride. You have options, you have choices. Now is time to decide if you will love this child enough to make it more important than your pride. We are starting construction on a 7200′ log home in E*** Hills up from Jessica (ask Jenna) come spring. You and Jenna could stay in the house on star***. You can work for me as much….on and on.

This is the same man that cheated on me through my entire pregnancy and marriage. This is the same man who is OPENLY living a polygamous lifestyle. The same man that used bait tactics the entire time to keep Alix with him.

If she fucking chooses him over me again?

I don’t know that I will continue to allow her into my life. I guess that’s my foolish pride making piss poor decisions; per the norm.

I try very, very hard to have the attitude of “live and let live” and that doesn’t get shaken very often. Until that guy comes back into the picture.

If there is one thing I wish I had learned young it is this:

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH.

My youngest kid, formerly known as the journal baby, is now 14. I am OFFICIALLY old.

My oldest kid, is engaged to be married.

My middle kid, is pregnant.

Okay. 2012. Insane.

Well, things WERE going very, very well.

Unfortunately, I was involved in a car accident on October 5th, Friday evening. I am still so upset, still hurt, not recovering as fast as I’d like, and so motherfucking frustrated I don’t really even know which way to go.

I’ve been blessed by amazing friends that have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me and I am eternally grateful. but inside my head? Is a flat out mess.

I have to keep a positive face for the public but I want to cry. It’s NOT the end of the world but try telling my Bipolar Brain that.

Me, Jackie, and Erica were going to get something to eat after BodyFlow on that evening and were in fact, about 200 feet from our destination.

A girl driving towards us made an abrupt turn into our path, trying to turn at an intersection, and wham.

We were going about 40mph, she didn’t signal, she didn’t slow down (Jackie swears she heard her accelerate to try to get across in time), there were NO tire marks that indicated she was aware of anything.

I believe she was texting. We’ll find out when it gets there. I had to hire an attorney. Not happy about that. I hate this kind of stuff. But I can’t workout. And I’ve lost wages, had to go to the freaking emergency room in an ambulance.

My Dr. thinks I have a stress fracture on a rib or two, not sure. They don’t show up right away. I do know that the seat belt got up UNDER my rib cage and that I couldn’t even OPEN A DOOR because it hurt so badly the first 5 days.

I was getting better but unfortunately, the swelling in the cartilage got so bad that my ribs popped back out of place late on last Friday night, October 12. I couldn’t get into to see anyone and by the time I did on Saturday, it had irritated my ribs so bad that they are STILL not in place.

I’ve taped myself up and been using a Tens unit and ice to try to get the swelling down but it’s just not happening yet.

Thank God, Erica was wearing her seat belt too otherwise she would have come forward and been hurt far worse AND hurt me worse too. We were all wearing seat belts.

Probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my LIFE.

I just, I don’t even like to think about it which is why I haven’t written. I’m a bit of a mess right now.

Today I had to take my fat boy in to be put to sleep. Renal failure. He was approximately 15 years old and I’ve had him for 12 years now.

My world is so sad today.

1. He was BREATHING and alive then with a stroke of a pen, I signed the papers to have him killed. Nothing really makes that okay. No, it doesn’t. Yes, he had a great life with me and we had a lot of years together but now, he’s gone.

2. I will get past this but today I take the option to just be sad. I have cried and cried and cried. And somehow I still have fucking tears left. That sucks.

3. Chris couldn’t even console me and tell me that I was doing the right thing. Fuck him. He was too busy being selfish.

4. The lady at the vets asked me if I had any more pets in this hopeful voice and then that’s sort of when I started crying again. No, actually, no I don’t. I have no more pets.

My boy

My fat kitty is not very impressed with Chris and his insistence on bath-time for kitty!

Guns.

One of the forums I participate in is having a discussion about guns and kids. And this is what I think.

My father is a Vietnam vet. He likes guns a lot! He hammered gun safety into my head, into my brother’s head, everyone.

And then:

I walked in on my Dad holding a gun to my Mom’s heading, making her beg for her life.

But:

I love shooting guns and won a shooting competition in 6th grade. I’m still a great shot.

All of my kids except Mikey have been taught how to handle small firearms and rifles. Who abused guns the most? Mikey. Thankfully, he never fucking hurt anyone. And we NEVER had guns in the house when he was growing up. and because of him, Stuart will never have guns in the house, even if it’s Erica.

Nathan is a huge gun fanatic and Alix was shooting from a young age. She’s very aware of safety and handling.

Kevin took the time to make sure Erica is very aware of gun safety and handling, right down to using ear protection while target shooting.

Neither of the girls enjoys it now but they know enough to make educated decisions.

My Dad always said that if you draw a weapon on someone, you damn better be prepared to KILL that person. It’s a serious thing to undertake.

I know that if it were me being attacked, I wouldn’t bother with a gun. Kevin tried to get me to take a 9mm with me when I went hiking on the AT but I refused. I don’t need it. And if something happens, then you know, it happens.

The ONLY time I would contemplate ending someone’s life is if my children were in immediate danger.

There are as many pros as there are cons to gun ownership with children around. And it’s a heated debate for all the reasons I have and a million more.