Now

So I had to go into chiropractor yesterday, and he did that thermal scan. Sometimes I still think it’s fucking mojo mumbojumbo crap.

And apparently, I am in worse shape now than I was after the accident.

Which is just SHOCKING considering how even keeled I am and how easy and smooth my life is every day.

No fucking shit. I’m a mess.

I’m so so so tired of being cranky and ill tempered all the time. I’m tired of my brain beating me down every day. I keep trying to be positive but this week, it’s just not happening.

I hate where my head is right now. No wonder I’m so god damn miserable allt he time.

Merry fucking Christmas.

This is so weird to me anymore.  When my life decided to get all fucked up because I decided I was done being married to Stuart after my oldest kid started getting in trouble with the law, i just couldn’t take the spotlight being shined upon all my mistakes and all the mishaps and emotional pain.

And then I started teaching fitness and became a kind of “public” figure. And they have some pretty strict rules about how you conduct yourself in public venues.

So, all the ugliness and sadness and bad stuff that’s happened in the past….6 or so years, I just don’t talk very much anymore. Most of my Facebook posts are about my classes and fitness stuff or random “public” acceptable funny stuff.

….never finished. computer froze and ate it. fucker.

Finally and already: it is March 1.

I am foundering in melancholy right now. And things are bleak and sad. Fucking hormones.

Yesterday Davy Jones of The Monkees died of a heart attack at 66. That’s way too young. That’s only 26 years more than me.

Only. 26 Years.

About 15 years ago; I thought I had all the time in the world left. And now, as the years and months and days race past, it all goes far too quickly. Scary quick. I think I can understand how people hit their mid-life crisis.

….

Moving soon. I like my habits, even when some are not good for me. I’m struggling with this. Trying to look forward to the good things.

I don’t need to settle.  I don’t need to settle. I don’t need to settle. I don’t need to settle.

I do not need to settle.

Note: I used to have a notify list. I haven’t been using it. If you want to read, check back. If you forget, then it’s not important.

Thanks for always reading through. It’s been a long haul but it’s time to just write it out.

My Mom, yes, my MOM, pointed out to me during a conversation yesterday that I was probably being a little OCD about the apartment situation and the possible issues that might come up.

……

Wha…How… (insert needle sound scratching across record)…

When the fuck did I become a person that takes a lot of time THINKING over a situation before acting?

I am IMPULSIVE and CRAZY. I enjoy living life with my ass swinging in the breeze. I like the unexpected.

I am now, officially, old. And also? I am my Mother.

Interesting.

I take time, months sometimes, to make decisions now. I try to think about it from every angle. And I watch and think for possible signs that things are just going to end up fucked up.

Oh sure, I’m impulsive about dinner but oh hey! let’s get a divorce cuz I’m BORED isn’t even in my language anymore.

I have realized that I will make a decision, keep my mouth shut about it, think about it, maybe talk about it or vent a little or ask opinions, then evaluate again.

And Ithen I just keep reevaluating everything. Like a mental thermometer: Hmm. How do I feel about this today? I’m in an okay mood. Is that decision motivated by logic and reason or emotion? Is it impulsive? Am I making a mistake? Evaluate, eval, eval.

My brain makes me crazy.

hold on. appreciate that sentence.

No really, my thoughts get on a mental loop and they don’t really stop until I can compare and contrast.

And then, i think it’s just a part of being bipolar. Or maybe it’s what normal people, non-bipolar people, think like too.

I don’t really have a gauge of this type of thing to go by. Right now, it’s on a mental loop about my relationships with men.

I remember being young and thinking:

OH! I need a man who is passionate and makes grand sweeping romantic gestures.

I roll my eyes here.

Then, I remember thinking:

OH! I need a man I can TRUST. One who is dependable and one I can BELIEVE in.

Again with my fucking eyeroll at myself.

Then, I remember thinking:

OH! I need a man that is wild and sexy and manly and aggressive!

*sigh* eyeroll.

Then, I remember thinking:

OH! I need a man who is not so focused on the physical and sex all the time!

Then, I remember thinking:

Wait.

I got exactly what I wanted and looked for, every time. And this is where the loop comes in and repeats. Because I’ve gotten them and didn’t WANT THEM after the new wore off.

And then I think:

OH! You are so fucking bipolar. Shut the fuck up and rationally assess what you can live with, what you can’t live with, and find a compromise somewhere that’s not in the fantasy world.

The entertainment news ticker was crazy yesterday about Catherine Zeta going public about her bipolar status. And now, thanks to CZ, being Bipolar will LOSE some of it’s sordidness.

Those people are fucking ridiculous sometimes. Yeah, hold me accountable for a chemical imbalance inside my brain that I have very little control over.

The whole thing pisses me off on a few levels. Same for ADHD and OCD.

I hate to break it to you but when you take a person and REALLY look underneath the persona of their polite projections, you’re going to find SOMEthing that can be considered, NOT NORMAL by standards outside of your immediate group.

Being bipolar still has the dirty, dark secret hanging on to it. So, on the other hand, CZ going public with it could be good. It’s something that has profound affect on a life. And it just sucks. But I hate that it takes a celebrity having it to make it “okay”.

Wow. The black dogs roam freely sometimes.(where have i read that someone described depression like this???? )

Until I get pissed off and pick myself back up and keep going.

So, I am trying to decide on WHAT I would do, when/if I went back to school. It’s alternately fun trying to figure it out and also a bit frustrating.

I don’t know!!! I want to be a professional BUM!  OH yah. Or a permanent traveler. Or a food critic. YUM.

soooo tired lately. no energy. swirling around in a muck of fucking depression. I hate this god damn feeling. rudderless. aimless. pointless.

i had a brief moment this morning where i thought yeah. i can decided to be perky and happy and have a great fucking day.

and then that was it. pfft. gone.

i don’t know if i’m giving up and settling for anything, just because i just don’t have it in me to do anything else right now.

it’s been a year since North Ridge opened and I keep thinking back to about 8 months ago when I LOVED my life. And was HAPPY. And then i get so fucking mad at the people that took it away.

Just for a few months of my life, I could afford to fuckinG LIVE and pay my BILLS and it made a world of difference. Fuck. I could even afford going to the doctors.

And now, it’s all I can do to get through each day, hanging on for that payday where I briefly have money and then it’s on to pay bills and I’ve got barely enough to pay for gas and food for another 15 days.

yeah. i’m pretty damn close to giving up. it just seems pointless. everything seems so pointless.

especially this.

What is love?

As an adult, what is love and how do you know it’s the real thing?

I struggle with this.

I think a lot of it stems from being bi-polar. Or maybe from something else but you know that lovely intense rush you get when you first fall in love with someone? How everything they say is wonderful and everything they do just melts your heart?

That shit does not last. And I get bored so easy. So God knows, if it’s EASY or BORING, I’m clocking my heart out. See ya.

But make my life difficult, bring up my expectations and then smash them in an instant and I’m all over that. Or at least, I used to be.

Right now…I’m sort of apathetic about it. I mean, I want it but I’m feeling that it’s not worth many things including EFFORT.

This relationship with Chris is … very odd. It has moments that make me feel all bubbly and warm. And then I will just sort of draw back into myself.

I don’t spend much time thinking about it, or rather, I try not to spend much time thinking about it but years of analyzing everything still tend to be pretty strong.

I analyze and try to pin it down and then? I sort of lose interest and say, what the hell. Whatever.

That’s my relationship mantra: whatever.

Who knows. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and kick off the cobwebs and go forth. But for right now, eh. Whatever.

So fucking irritable today.

Must not speak to many people because right now? Everyone can go fuck themselves.

Wow. BAD attitude. Where the hell did that come from?