in the now

You know. I wrote about my life for so long, in so much detail, and then when it got really complicated, I quit.

I quit because I didn’t know what I was doing, I felt guilty for what I was feeling, & I think I knew if I spent too much time pondering it, I wouldn’t have lived it…..but as I look back over the past 5 years….I’m a mess.

I just feel like I’m a mess. I had a marriage that was relatively okay. It wasn’t great. It was horrible either though.

And the stuff that Mikey ended up doing and putting us through and …… it just got so hard to face this empty page. Some days it seemed like the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end was just by ignoring a lot of stuff and not dealing with a lot of stuff and riding those bipolar highs and trying to climb up out of the lows.

I’m having panic attacks again. After not having them for the entire time I was with Kevin. They’re back. I’m barely making enough money to pay the bills and Alix actually contributes money from her paycheck to pay rent and some of the utilities.

Erica is down at Stuart’s house.

And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I spend almost 60 hours sitting here in this presale office, the gym was supposed to open 2 months ago, isn’t going to open until sometime in the new year, my life is in shambles, my brain is a wreck and I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride that I’m so fucking sick of riding.

In some ways my life is okay. Better than okay. I have a lot of friends. GOOD friends here in Raleigh, that I’m so, so thankful for, every day.

I’m a group fitness instructor. I set that goal for myself almost a year ago in February and it’s come to fruition after hundreds and hundreds of hours working towards it. I’m extraordinarily pleased with myself because I was terrified to do this but I’m good at it and I love what I teach so much. It’s hard and I’ll never make money at it, it helps, don’t get me wrong, but I do it because I love it and it is probably the only thing that’s kept me sane.

I am a Les Mills BodyFlow Instructor. I teach at a gym up here in Raleigh. Love it. So much.

BodyFlow

…..

After many interruptions….I’ve lost my train of thought. So. Hopefully I’ll be back later.