in the now

I had harbored this idea that if Kevin could quit drinking and I could make a few adjustments myself, that we would be able to salvage a relationship and make it work.

I know. I know. I know. Now, I know.  An alcoholic who refuses to see they have a problem is NOT going to quit.

But I know people who HAVE quit for the sake of saving a relationship with someone they love. Stuart did it, my brother did it, a lot of people do it but it’s not going to happen in this instance.

This was brought to a very clear understanding last night. It’s amazing the amount of crap and emotional abuse I’ve put up with over the past 2 years.

And I am taking medication for my bipolar disorder and honestly? I see things in a light that’s much clearer and sharper than I could have imagined. My thinking is more rational and not all over the place. This really shows me that how he acted last night, it’s very, very much over.

I am disgusted by the lack of self control but I am also so very disappointed.

But on the other hand, I feel more FREE now than I ever have before and I think I might actually be happy. 80% of the time happy. Even if I still am a pessimist. hah!

One day, maybe,  I’ll find someone who is right and someone who LOVES me and my kids and wacky family.

Until then? I have a lot of living to do.