Now

In my quest to post only the most bitter, angry, and depressing entries ever for the month of Holidailies, here is the next one.

Seriously though. I promise that’s not my goal but man. Tis the MotherFucking Season.

My Dad sends me a Christmas card each year. merry Christmas from WARREN.

Not “Dad”.

Warren.

Because he’s not my real dad and he makes no point in trying to be nice. Or cheery.

The topper on this sundae of love and goodness?

The card reads:

For you Daughter at Christmastime

With memories of happy times we’ve shared, with thanks for being a special daughter, with wishes for a beautiful holiday season…and most of all, with love.

Merry Christmas.

Warren & Darlene.

My “Dad” did not pick that out. Darlene must have.

What the fuck man. What the fuck. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the check.

I went to the mall this weekend.

It’s not as easy as it used to be; this whole doing things. I have to walk to the bus stop, about a mile, make sure I have the change to get on, and make sure I get there before it leaves.

But I get so bored just sitting around the apartment. No TV, no internet. Boring!

So, I decided to do the trek myself.

Just going to get something to eat and people watch. I spent the entire time thinking about what would happen if someone came in and started shooting.

Especially when I was eating. Locating the exits. Keeping a general eye on the crowd.

But apparently, no place is really safe anymore.

I think “safe” isn’t a term that can be used with 100% surety anymore either.

Today some dude walked into an elementary school and killed a bunch of kids today.

And people are saying that it’s senseless and calling for gun control and on and on.

Tragedy never makes sense; small children dying never makes sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Murderers are getting younger and younger.

Violence.

Welcome to America. Here’s your bullet proof vest and your gun.

My prayers seem like they go unheard and you know so many families are in pain and agony over this loss.

I am not shocked anymore; not after 9/11.

It’s horrible and it’s sad but it’s almost every day you hear about this shit.

Movie theaters.

Malls.

Schools.

It is heartbreaking but if your heart is already broken……

It just keeps on happening.

So I had to go into chiropractor yesterday, and he did that thermal scan. Sometimes I still think it’s fucking mojo mumbojumbo crap.

And apparently, I am in worse shape now than I was after the accident.

Which is just SHOCKING considering how even keeled I am and how easy and smooth my life is every day.

No fucking shit. I’m a mess.

I’m so so so tired of being cranky and ill tempered all the time. I’m tired of my brain beating me down every day. I keep trying to be positive but this week, it’s just not happening.

I hate where my head is right now. No wonder I’m so god damn miserable allt he time.

Merry fucking Christmas.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Backpacking on the Appalachian Trail. Twice!

Became a Group Fitness Instructor!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No. And no.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A few of my gym friends!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?

None, unfortunately.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t think I failed at anything this year that I really tried for.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

11. What was the best thing you bought? My flannel sheets for my bed.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mikey for a lot of stuff, Eric a for being brave enough to go BACK to third grade and bounce back like a champ. My Mom, my sister, my brother,….really most everyone inmy life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

14. Where did most of your money go?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? happier b) thinner or fatter? same c) richer or poorer? poorer!!!!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Diving!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Arguing

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family and Kevin in Wilmington.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Over and over again.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Grey’s Anatomy. Iron Chef America. What Not To Where.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I hate LESS people than I did last year.

24. What was the best book you read? Too many to count.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

26. What did you want and get?

27. What did you want and not get?

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I dont’ remember what I did but I turned 36.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

32. What kept you sane? I am NOT sane. Wha kept me from going over the ledge? I don’t know. The unwillingness to give up.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

35. Who did you miss?

36. Who was the best new person you met?

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

A coworker walked out the door and said, “well. I guess the Mayans were wrong.” in reference to today’s date.

Same coworker pronounces the word LOBSTER as LOPSTER.

So, so, blonde.

——

In other news, have to go to see the chiropractor tonight for the thing that is evaluating me after the accident and see if I’m ready to be released into the wild.  I was going in 4 times a week and it was needed, no joke. Now, I’m down to once a week and would like to have that tapered off to maybe twice a month so we can get the case settled. Tired of this dragging on so long. I’m fortunate, yes, I know that but I really just want to be done with it.

…….

I’m also ping ponging rapidly through bipolar cycles right now. I have no idea why or what but really am tired of it. Tired of my head.

Alix had a miscarriage last week.

Are you ready for the next train wreck?

Good. God forbid we get too comfy.

I broke up with Chris for many several hundred reasons.

I moved out and went on some dates.

I didn’t speak to him nor see him in several months. But I missed him.

Yes. I know. Queue up the chorus of “OH MY FUCKING GOD. ARE YOU SERIOUS>?????”

I know. And this still might not work out but he’s doing things right. He has a real job. One that he goes to every day, and get’s paid. He’s given up the idea of “his own business” and I’ve told him that I don’t want to hang out with him if he’s doing that again. So. I don’t know. He’s working. It’s only an hourly job but he’s got the option to get health benefits and paying his bills.

Also, he is looking for a place of his own instead of living at his Mom’s.

His Mom is elderly you know and he is an only child so it’s not that weird. I guess. Except he’s not really a MOM person.

I have all these rules and parameters in place: we don’t discuss politics. You have to stand on your own feet. You have to try to work at fixing things rather than ignoring things. You can’t come over and hang out if you are going to be bitchy and ill tempered.

A controlled environment. I can live with that. He still can’t live with me. I still am not committing to anything. Except we hang out. And we treat each other WELL and with KINDNESS.

He heard about my accident and I don’t know first hand how it affected him but second hand accounts were that he was white as a sheet and he was in a near panic when he tried to contact me after he heard.

I know that when the accident DID happen. The only two people that I wanted when I was scared and in pain was Alix and Chris.

That tells me a lot.

We’ll see. I have no great hopes you know. Not really. If it works and makes me happy for right now, that’s all I want. I’m not going to worry about a future.

Today has been very emotionally difficult and I’m all over the place. Alix will either stay or she will fucking go.

Period.

I told her today that I just can’t bear to be too excited about anything; that if she leaves to go back; that’s probably the end of a real relationship between us.

I can’t have that man in my life, not even on the peripheral edge. He is too toxic and manipulative.