Happy 42nd Birthday

Marking the day.

Lots of good stuff in my life but it’s horribly overshadowed by the Triad shit. I’ve been worried about finding a job for so long now that I don’t even remember what it’s like to NOT worry.

Two Personalities

I’m reading a book that is really bringing me to my knees, not literally, but emotionally. The part that really sticks to the bones though is that THIS is mostly psychological.

It has made me so incredibly sad because I see way too many markers of this sad story in my own life.

The book: In The Neighborhood: The Search for Community On An American Street, One Sleepover at a Time by Peter Lovenheim.

The first part of it involves him staying over with an older neighbor, a retired surgeon. A surgeon that has 4 children and had 50 years or so with his wife who had died about 5 years previously.

A man, who while having provided many years of service and help and care to people not related to him, is now spending most of his remaining time alone, with nobody around.

And that’s how I feel, not that I’m assigning some grandiose mantle of “surgeon” but I have people tell me, often, how much I help them and bring them encouragement and inspiration.

And then I look at my own life, my own relationships and feel like a complete fucking fraud.

I wonder sometimes how long I’d be dead in my apartment if I didn’t teach classes on a daily basis…how long before my family would notice.

Wayne Lowell Buchanan

Rest in peace Grandpa.

 

My Grandfather Buchanan passed away last night. I don’t like to grieve in public…but wanted to acknowledge this. Ham Salad. Gingersnaps. Yellow Telephone. Pickin’ and a’Grinnin. Country music. Drawings on the little notepad he kept in his pocket. Draw me a horse Grandpa.

Challenge

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Nelson Mandela passes 2013

Nelson Mandela has died.

“Man’s goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never extinguished.” (From Long Walk to Freedom, 1995)

“Real leaders must be ready to sacrifice all for the freedom of their people.” (Kwazulu-Natal, South Africa, April 25, 1998)

“It is never my custom to use words lightly. If twenty-seven years in prison have done anything to us, it was to use the silence of solitude to make us understand how precious words are and how real speech is in its impact on the way people live and die.”  (South Africa, July 14, 2000)

“When people are determined they can overcome anything.” (Johannesburg, South Africa, Nov. 14, 2006)

I don’t think the man was a saint and he certainly wasn’t Mother Theresa or Ghandi but he stood for freedom and equality for everyone and that’s why his passing makes me sad. He stood for that right long before it was the “cool” or “politically correct” thing to do.

Grief and Time and Tentativeness

I am not sure the exact point that I actively stopped grieving for my Gram. I’ve been casting my memory back, poking at everything, and the closest I have come is that it took me about 10 years to stop crying at every commercial or show or book that referenced the sadness in my heart.

She died a few days before I turned 25…or was it 26?

Now, I’m 41.

That’s sort of crazy. To type that out and then do the math. 25 to 41. I had lots of stuff in those years but a current of grief was always just under it.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I told Stuart, on Christmas Eve, that I was leaving.

And I still remember that January 13th, I was out. I had left. I had destroyed my little family and left a lot of grieving behind me. I carried all of my own grief with me though. It colored every fucking decision I made.

I’m finally, finally, trying to figure it all out now. Mikey has been so mad at me for all these years. And he’s always said, “yeah, I hate Christmas too.” I never ever even asked him why. I think I knew it’s because of what I did on Christmas Eve. And just recently, we have tentatively, very tentatively, started to really talk again.

I finally reached out to all of them and he told me that Christmas Eve is why he hates the holidays.

I knew that. And honestly, I’d have done it differently if I could. Sometimes, the time when the camel’s back breaks is not the right time to do something. Maybe, if I had the maturity and the knowledge, I could have waited just one more week.

I wonder how things would be now if I had?

I don’t know. I don’t tend to dwell on those types of thoughts too long. It really doesn’t matter.

Trying

So, in December, I’m doing something that I haven’t done in …. years.

 

  • Conversation started November 6
  • Renee Daughtry
    Renee Daughtry

    Hello children (and Fiancee of child and husband of child),

    This is your Mother (Mother-In-Law and Mother-In-Law To Be).

    Whom is cordially extending an invitation for cookie baking/christmas “get in the spirit and love each other despite our vast differences” hanging out thing.

    I would like for this to be on a Saturday in mid-December if that works for all of your extremely busy schedules.

    I can do either December 14th or December 21rst, thinking late afternoon around 4PM ish?

    You can bring your own ingredients to cook stuff or bring a bottle of wine or just drink some tap water (it won’t kill you). Also, wear your cozy lounging pants and Christmas slippers (optional), but prepare to hang out and listen to Christmas music or watch old fashioned Christmas cartoons or something and maybe play some Uno or something else that we can all do together.

    You all know (maybe not Joe and Diana) but the holidays are really difficult for me and I’m trying. So, try with me.

  • Mike McFall
    Mike McFall

    Yea same here but sure thing we will be there

  • Erica Shay Daughtry
    Erica Shay Daughtry

    i dont know whats going on lol

  • Alix Jade Elizabeth Fitch
    Alix Jade Elizabeth Fitch

    Why day works for y’all? I like December 21

  • Renee Daughtry
    Renee Daughtry

    I prefer that date as well if possible.

  • Joe Coulombe
    Joe Coulombe

    If we can do the 21st that’d be awesome I will be on leave

  • Renee Daughtry
    Renee Daughtry

    Mikey and Diana: check your schedules and let me know please.

  • Alix Jade Elizabeth Fitch
    Alix Jade Elizabeth Fitch

    ASAP so I can make sure I can get off of work!:)

  • Diana Whitt
    Diana Whitt

    yes 21st works for us! sounds great

  • November 7

My Love

I am pretty sure that if I ended a conversation with one of my children via telephone with, “okay my love. I’ll talk to you later.”: they would do a double take with a shot of WTF….?

Some people’s “customs” are very odd.

U R N Lock

“WE HIT TURBULENCE.” Song. Stuck in my head. (WHAT A RUSH!).

Lost my key to my apartment the other night. That was not fun.

These new fancy big electronic keys/fobs for cars are a little ridiculous. My ring got caught open and the skinny normal size apartment key was gone, baby, gone.

I figured it out at almost 10 pm, after frantically digging out everything in my backpack, looking under car seats, between car seats. I had gone to see Mikey who had just had shoulder surgery.

The realization of loss set in and I just sort of quietly sat back and said: fuck.

Called the boyfriend; he came over to see if he could rescue the situation. Apparently, my new apartment is not easily accessible and almost impossible to break in without causing major damage and noise.

fuck. and also, yay.

Called the Pop a lock company. $100 for credit, $90 cash.

mmm. Sorry guy, don’t have it; appreciate your time.

5 minutes later going to get drill and cords, guy called back. “I’m in the neighborhood. What’s your address and I’ll swing by.”

He arrives. I tell him I have $50 that I can spare. He said that sounds fair. Pop. 2 minutes later. Door open. Nothing destroyed.

THANK YOU.